
For a few months now, I have really been struggling. It's hard to be open and honest with other people when you feel yourself in a dark place. Once I was able to admit that I wasn't doing well, things began to improve. I found support in friends, and sought out professional help. Turns out that a combination of postpartum depression and seasonal affective disorder is a recipe for a really terrible winter. Add to that the demands of a new baby and a two year old and you've got yourself a really big mess. Needless to say, it's been a difficult period for me. I haven't felt like myself at all, and I've kind of spiralled downward. I felt like I hit rock bottom two weeks ago, and from that point have been doing a lot of self reflection in effort to figure out how to find myself again.
This is all very emo, I know. But it's been an emotional time for me. I haven't liked myself for a while. Actually, I've hated myself. I don't mean I've hated the way I look, or I've hated how I feel. I mean... I've hated me. I got to the point where I couldn't look at myself in the mirror. I didn't want to be me anymore. I started eating. A lot. Really bad foods, too. Things that would make my stomach hurt. I would make healthy food for Monkey Moo, cook healthy dinners for us as a family, but then at night, or when I was alone, I'd eat terribly! I felt terrible, but I also felt like I wanted to punish myself. I hated myself, so I didn't feel I deserved to treat myself better.
A couple days ago, I'd decided enough was enough. I looked in the mirror, got all up close and personal with ME, and said, "I will love you again". That was the beginning for me. Yesterday I ate something I am allergic to and felt sick all afternoon. I realized then that I am doing myself a great disservice by treating my body so poorly. I deserve better than that. I deserve to love myself. So, I decided this morning that I'm done hating myself, I want to be healthy because I deserve it. Not because I want my kids to have a good example, not because I want to look good, but because I deserve to be healthy. My husband and children are definitely important, and I love them with all my heart, but loving them while not loving myself wasn't making me want to change. This morning I chose to love myself enough to change how I am living (i.e: not living, just slowly dying, really).
Healthy doesn't mean a fad diet. It doesn't mean counting calories and watching the scale. It means feeding my body things that will enrich my life, make me feel good, give me energy and health. It means positive thinking and lots of prayer and meditation. It means weeding out the bad foods, the negative thinking, the people and things that poison my life. Healthy isn't just about numbers in weight, calories and clothing sizes. Yes, those things can be an indication of my own personal health, but it's about way way more than that. It's about laughing and running around with my kids instead of crying and sitting on the couch all day. It's about loving my husband fully, instead of withdrawing because I feel undeserving of love. It's about being gentle with myself and knowing I may have bad days, but pushing on and not letting bad days pull me back down into this pit I've just started climbing out of. It's about praying and singing and being in love with God and my faith again. Healthy is about so much more than food and exercise.
I do apologize for the length of this blog post. The content is important to me, and to my story. It's just starting to get good.
When I look at that picture of me and Baby Bear, I want to see someone I love. And for the first time in a long time, I do. I love that woman. Here comes Springtime, and symbolically, a newness in me as a person. I'm ready for spring (seriously, I am SO over winter weather!), but really, I'm ready to pull myself up and out of this hole I tried burying myself in. I deserve better.